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FGM and Rags
 
January 19 at 14:50
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To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Clearly, cancer knows no boundaries. On Tuesday's, my chemo days, we spend all day at the cancer center, so as I look around, there is no doubt to why those people are there, the dreaded cancer. Young, old, rich, poor, all walks of life are represented in this group. You can usually tell the cancer patient from the caregiver, but not always. You can also see the different stages of the disease, some still looking able and strong, to those in their wheelchairs, with many different stages of hair and cover-ups. I feel very lucky, to still be walking in on my own and survivng each new day. As I look around, I am the only one that I see with this terrible acne rash that has taken over my upper torso. It is so ugly, I can barely stand to look in the mirror, and I wear a mask, just to spare those that have to look at me. Not that anyone there wouldn't understand my plight and accept me, but I have trouble sharing my new look. I did receive printed confirmation today from my radialogist that it has just been proven that for my type of chemo, the worse the rash, the better it is working, and the survival rate is longer. So, I guess in the long run, it will be worth the pain.
I remember on the second Tuesday, while waiting for my name to be called, a patient, in their wheelchair, was sitting not too far from me. I took a long look at that frail body and bald head, and tears came to my eyes, because I could not identify if that patient was a man or a woman, young or old. I just couldn't tell, and I wondered if that would be me in a matter of weeks.
I also think that the stages of cancer can be revealed often by the clothing worn by the patient. The sicker the patient, the more casual the attire, like jammies are not an uncommon sight.
Since we all share in a common topic, it is easy to make conversation with those around, and it is interesting to hear the stories of the other patients. When we go in the chemo therapy rooms, we often share the space with another patient or two, and since we are assigned times, we meet the same people each week. We seem to be on the same schedule with an older man who has pancreatic cancer. He comes with his son, a retired Chicago cop, and my Fred enjoys talking to him. The patient, had a whipple surgery, and showed us his scar, which looks like a smile upside down. I am quick to lift my shirt and show him some of my scarres, there is no modesty in these situations!
As I started this journey, months ago, I wondered how I would look, what would happen to my body? I am half way through, and boy, has my body changed! I know some things are temporary, but others are permanent. Another lesson in humility for me, and learning what is really important in life.
Every morning, I get up and shower, which, when the rash was at it's worst, was a painful, although necessary project. We live in an older house, where the water has to travel up two floors in old clanky cooper pipes and the water pressure has
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FGM and Rags
January 19 at 15:12
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
never been wonderful. I grew up in a house that didn't have a shower, just a bathtub, so I am apprecitive of any water coming out of the wall! As I enter the shower, and let the water hit the back of my head, which is covered with these bleeding acne sores, I start to cry because the pain is so bad. I know nobody can hear me, so I just wail a little bit and get the self pity over with for the day. Then I let the water hit my face, and watch the scabs and scales wash down my body. The rest is easy, a quick wash of the body and then out, for a very gentle dry off.
Then it hits me, I put on my glasses, and take a look in the mirror. There I am, the new me. Starting at the top, I see my new shorter hair. My daughter cut it short two weeks ago, in anticipation of it falling out, but it hasn't yet. Now, that's a good thing! My face is pretty purple from the rash, and that is the most disgusting thing to look at, since it covers my face, head, neck and all down my chest. I little smile reveals my chipped front teeth from the surgery, but that is minor, considering I am trying to keep my teeth intact, and realize that I may lose some due to the radiation. That can be fixed later. My neck looks like I have a tattoo of barbed wire and that scar is turning dark red due to the radiation. Moving down, we see the bump sticking out under my collarbone, which is my port and makes my life easier for giving and receiving fluids. My right breast is still black and blue from the trauma of that surgery. Makes me wonder of they had to stand on my chest to get a good grip on what they were doing. Moving down again, we see that infamous feeding tube. My new and improved model starts in a hole right under my bra and swings down to my belly button, where is branches out into three different sprockets. So attractive, or should I say, udderly attractive.
Oh wait, I see something else, about 20 pounds are missing, now that could be considered a plus!
Well, this old gal is thinking about all those cliches about beauty. You know the ones, like Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder, or Beauty is Only Skin Deep. So what applies here? I don't know, but this is what I did. I took my glasses off and then took three steps backward, yes, that looks much better now!
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Scruffy and Ruby Tuesday
 
January 19 at 15:44
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, no one can truly understand , unless they have been there. I had a different type of chemo, with different side effects, but I know what you are saying, and I appreciate so much your putting this into words. Please understand, I do not equate my experience with yours, I just want you to know that I feel every word you say, and that I feel I am there beside you. I found myself nodding in recognition when you spoke of the sharing taking place between yourself and others during chemo visits. It needs to be said, and people need to know about this different world, that we enter into as soon as we are diagnosed. I am humbled by your words.
love, Robyn
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Annie & E Gang
 
January 19 at 16:21
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
We say again Barb how truly honoured we are to know you and we know you will come out of all this with shining colours...then we will all have one Big TC Pawty Time!!..we love reading The Mattresses!
Lots of Love and kisses from us all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Beth and Camy
 
January 19 at 16:32
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Thank you Barb for sharing your experiences with us. I tell everyone about this amazing woman that I "know".
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Lynda and the Minkies
January 20 at 17:33
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
I've been telling people at the office too....
XXX.
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john / irene Maxwell
January 19 at 17:38
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
You are a very Brave Lady Barb We hope all this is Behind you as soon as possible
john / irene Maxwell
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Anne H Robbie & Duncan
January 19 at 17:46
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Glad you're feeling well enough to post, Barb. You've given us all a lesson in humility and compassion. Thank you for that!
Like Beth said -- I've been telling people about the adventures of my extraordinary "on-line friend." Our thoughts and prayers are always with you.
love
Anne & terrier warriors Robbie & Duncan
xxx
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Petey and the Wigglebutts
January 19 at 18:11
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Oh, Barb...when I think things are just about more than I can handle...I need to think of you and all you're going through. You are truly a great woman. You are such an inspiration!!!
Take care dear friend,
Gentle hugs,
Carol and the gang
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Cathy and Thistle
January 19 at 18:20
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb after having read To The Mattresses, I just want to say, I think you are one of the most beautiful people I have had the pleasure of meeting, I have a lovely picture of you, that is what I see, it doesn't matter what the changes are, I just see this picture, and that is all I will see.Your spirit will see you through this, and the changes will keep on, just don't ever change the sweet person you are. that is where I get my picture. hugs to you all.
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The Oregon Girlies...
January 19 at 18:33
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Yes Barb, Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. To us you will always be sparkly and beautiful. Keep the faith dear friend, One day you can put all this behind you.. Thank you for letting us share your fight.
xxxxBetty and the Girlies...
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Jeni, Bonnie and Flora
January 19 at 18:44
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Thank you, Barb, for your honesty. I read and learn, with tears in my eyes.
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Fran R gang
January 19 at 18:44
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb,
You are going thru temporary exterior changes but the Beauty within is what we all see. You R truly an inspiration. I call you my LitterMate in that we 'connect' in our common interests. but you are ONE of a kind in your Beautiful Spirit.
Love always
Fran
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Macaroon
 
January 19 at 18:56
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, I can't tell you how touched and moved by your story I am. The tears are flowing as I read. It brings to mind the battle my Dad fought against lung cancer so many years ago. You are always in my prayers. You are a truely beautiful person. And here I am worrying about the aging process, thank you for putting life into perfect perspective.
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Max
January 19 at 19:00
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Dearest Barb, when I had the pleasure of meeting you, I noticed how particular you were about how you looked and your accessories. But what I noticed the most was how beautiful you are inside, it just shines through, and believe me, it is still shining. Thanks for taking us on your journey through the land of chemo and radiation, I have the utmost respect for you and am proud to say I got to meet you. Hang in there, friend, we are always with you. xxxMarianne and Maxxxx
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Schooner and Annie
January 19 at 19:18
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
All I can say is you are one courageous lady to go through this and share it all with the world.
Very inspiring to read.
Thanks for sharing, and we are always thinking of you.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx
Sniffiekissies fwom Schoon and Annie too.
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Lily, Sir William & Boomer
January 19 at 19:31
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb,
As I always have said..you are an inspiration to us all..how you keep your sense of humor with all you are going through is phenominal...I applaud you and you will always be my sparkle FGM... I am having something made for you and will be sending it in a few weeks..it should make you smile..I look forward to each and every diary entry..you are the most wonderful person for sharing yourself with all of us and letting us be a part of what you are enduring..
You are one beautiful lady!!!
Love,
Linda
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Tracy
January 19 at 19:32
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb,
You are truly amazing. You have so much strength. I'm keeping you in my prayers and think of you often and wonder how you are. It's good to hear from you. I'm just so sorry for the suffering you're having to endure. I'm sending
a warm hug to you, my friend.
Love,
Tracy
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ED
January 19 at 19:38
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Hang in there, baby! One day, you'll say to yourself as you look in the mirror, "God bless those damn zits."
Hugs and prayers coming your way from SC.
ED and dollface
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Kelly O
January 19 at 19:41
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, I never know what to say but thank you for writing as eloquently as you do. We think of you often and your stories make us feel like we are there with you. And we are. In terrier spirit, helping you get rid of it.
Sending our love, Kelly, Mike and Nana
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Geri & Emma
January 19 at 21:50
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Dear Barb- You are truly an awe inspiring woman. I feel honored to know you. I wish we could heal your pain- if only all the good wishes coming your way could do that.
Thank you for being you.
Geri
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Betsy and Wick
January 20 at 07:37
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Thank you for this recent update Barb. You truly are an amazing and courageous woman. You have been put through so much and yet you still haven't lost that wonderful sense of humor that you have. We hope that things start to get a bit better for you soon and we'll still be thinking of you throughout all of this.
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Lisa, Fred and Simon
January 20 at 08:51
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I can only imagine the pain you feel. You are very brave and truly amazing. You are also an excellent teacher about life and I truly believe this must be the mission you chose before coming here and your written word will someday, if not already,help others endure and also put things in perspective.. Bless YOU!!!
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Cheryl
January 20 at 09:59
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Hi Sweetheart!
You are da bomb, baby! You are also the most beautiful woman I've ever known -- inside or out, it doesn't matter. As others have said, it just shines through in your words.
I remember those days in chemo so well -- you're right, there is no sense of false modesty in those rooms -- it just is what it is.
I have to say, too, showers are good places for wailing -- I did that many times -- and those tears just wash right down the drain!
So much of what you described comes back to me in my own memories -- and someday, all of this will just be memories for you as well.
But you're right -- this experience does change things -- it doesn't change who you are, it just reveals a stronger you that even YOU didn't know existed. But you never look at life quite the same way.
Here's sending you some humungous hugs!!!!
Love ya,
Cheryl
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Sue & Booker
January 20 at 10:34
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
We are like our dogs - we don't care what you look like on the outside - we know how beautiful you are on the inside.
You have taught us all sooo much.
Your youngest LM,
Sue (& Booker)
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linda, mattie and zena
January 20 at 14:45
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
i am choking back tears, as i am at work. you are an incredible woman. you are teaching us so much about life, what we should be grateful for and if any of us ever gets this dreaded disease i feel that we will all be able to draw strength from your courage and willingness to share your journey with us. i see you in my mind in your mirror as a lady with a halo around her, as you surely must be an angel. thinking of you daily and sending up prayers for recovery. take care
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Maggie, Jake & Mickey
January 20 at 15:23
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Beautiful, amazing, inspirational, brilliant, I could go on forever. You are truly the strongest woman I know. Your ability to keep your humor through this is unbelievable. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. We can't wait for this to be behind you. Hang in their and keep the faith.
Hugs, Kris & MJM
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Lynda and the Minkies
January 20 at 17:32
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Oh Barb...twice you had me in tears. Once when you mentioned that you're wearing a mask and again where you describe your own tears in the shower. That's such a sad image....
It's good to hear that the nasty rash should turn out to be a good omen.
It's nice Fred has someone to chat to there-what's whipple surgery too ?
It's very humbling to read your "adventures", I must say....I felt a bit intrusive today reading this instalment...Try and keep smiling, our friend.
XXX.
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Maureen, Hamish and Maddie
January 20 at 19:15
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Dear Barb, I think if a poll was taken here asking who is the most beautiful woman you know, we would all be answering, truthfully, that it is our FGM.
Thank you for all you are teaching me. I am humbled.
Maureen
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Janie, Chip,Mulli,& Clover
January 20 at 19:49
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, we are still praying for you in our Bible Study. All the girls ask if I have heard from you recently. We hope you are carrying your prayer hankie with you as it is filled with lots of prayers and love. Thank you for taking us down this road with you. I can really feel like I know what is happening in your life now and though it breaks my heart, I wouldn't want to be any place else...
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Sambuca & Isabella Martini
January 20 at 20:55
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, we are so glad to see that you are posting. You are truly one amazing lady!
All the best, Paula
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June & The Fl Boyz
January 20 at 21:40
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, I must say my heart hurt for you today when I read your post. I stopped and said a prayer right then for you.
Sweetie, your beauty comes from within you. YOUR GENEROUS HEART, YOUR GENTLE SOUL, AND YOUR STRONG FAITH.
You are an inspiration to all of us and I, like others, feel very humbled when I read your posts.
You are a beautiful woman no matter what you see in the mirror right now.
We love you,
June & The Boyz
xxxxxxxoooooooo
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Sonny and Cayla
January 20 at 21:52
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
The fact that you are posting and letting us know what you are going through makes you a hero in my book. Beauty is fleeting but what you have inside always shines through and please always remember that. If you are worried about zits think of it as going through puberty and you are just getting younger. Heck today I foung a BIG zit on my chest and I was fretting about it until I read your post. What is are really zits on the the bigger realm of life? We are not all perfect nor we should try to be. Perfection is a myth handed out by marketing specialists. We are all perfect to the people who really love us and that is what we should strive for, everything else is just gooblydook. (I know that is not a word, but it sounds good.)
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MacGuyver
January 20 at 22:23
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Barb, tears are running down my face and I don't know what to say... I am so humbled by your courage and strength.
May God hold you close and ease your pain beautiful lady.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
love and hugs,
Sandi
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Carey and the LWMDs
January 21 at 22:22
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
FGM
You are one brave person. I
don't even know what to say.
Be well......
Carey
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Peggy and Pack
January 27 at 20:32
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Re: To the Mattresses 1-19-06
Dear Barb,
You are in my thoughts and prayers each and everyday. You will get through this and we all will celebrate with you. That day is on the horizon.
Love and prayers,
Peggy and Pack
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